New Beginnings

It's a new year and with a new year comes new surprises and meanings and memories and adventures and I could go on and on. This year will bring a lot of change to our family. This is the year we hope and pray to make a move out of Florida. Although our immediate families are both here, Greg is feeling very much lead to move us to Virginia. God has given Greg another family full of mamas, papas, sisters, brothers, aunts and more. That is how good God is. We also would love to live where we can enjoy seasons and mountains and maybe even some snow. The kids are very excited about it. I have days where I am full of so much anticipation and excitement then there are days that I am full of questions and nerves.

"Will our kids fit in at a new school"

"What if they cannot go to a Christian school"

"What if we can't find a good Church home"

"What if I miss my mom so much and I am consumed with so much guilt for leaving her and taken her three grandchildren with me".

Well, Truth tells me that "what ifs" will kill me and I cannot live in that. I also know to run to God when I am full of questions and nervousness about moving. And the last question is full of so much that I will probably have to spend a lot of time with the Lord journaling and praying for guidance. Today I will not walk in the guilt and shame because I know that I am free and whoever the Son sets FREE is FREE indeed!

Thank you Lord for today and all our Blessings. Each and every one of them are directly from you.

Dare

Do I even dare to start this up again? What do I really have to say? I feel like I say everything I need to in my head, then I immediately say, "wow, that's a great blog entry", but then never do it. I don't want to be a writer, I just want to write from my heart and get this stuff out of my head. It doesn't usually make any sense. Does my blog have to have a direction if I'm only doing it for an audience of ONE? I'm not looking for followers or traffic, hits, sponsors - none of that. I just want to write from my heart and be completely real with what is going on. I don't know if it will be all about the family. Maybe just about me. Well, let's see if I even come back tomorrow to write. Until then...

Hello??? Anyone home?

haha, sometimes I crack myself up.

Gosh, I haven't written here in so long and I'm not really sure why. I'm hoping maybe anyone that was coming here regularly has forgotten about my little place here. Really? Why would I hope that? Isn't a blog where you can let everything out and not worry about being judged? I don't know. I knew that some family were reading regularly and it kind of freaked me out and I could feel myself holding back. Can you even believe that though? Me, holding back? Ha!

So much has happened since my last post that I don't even know where to begin. And right now at this moment I can feel myself starting to shut down. Like I don't want to do this and let things out on this little page of mine. You know, maybe this just isn't for me. Maybe I'm not a "blogger" of any sorts. Maybe I'm not one to "journal" my feelings. What am I really? Who am I? Gosh, so broad. I know I am a child of the most High God and I know that HE loves me more than my own mama loves me. I know that I am perfect in HIS eyes, but only in HIS eyes. I don't ever feel perfect or loved the way I know my God loves me. I have this incredible feeling of defeat lately and why should I when I have God on my side. I know I was made for so much more than this self defeating attitude that I constantly have. I am pretty miserable most days and I have lost the JOY that I used to have. Actually, did I really ever feel much JOY. Is it all just a front? How can I be this miserable as a Christian? As the daughter of the King? How can this be? UGH... It just is and I have to find my way out of this pit. This pit of despair and defeat. I was made for more than this. Lord help me.

Gosh, I guess I did have some things to say.

Preschool - can you believe it?

Jackson started preschool this week. He's only going a few hours, 2 days a week. It's perfect for him. The other days we are going to Gymboree. Oh, how we are loving that too.

Where does the time go? It's been 2 years!

I loved watching Bella & Gavin seeing their baby brother for the first time. Gavin's first comment was, "Where's the rest of him?". Jackson was so little and bundled up. Bella & Gavin are Jackson's biggest fan. They are the first to ask about Jackson's day and what he did at Gymboree or at preschool. Jackson has brought so much to our family!

And now he's off on his own for a few hours a day to preschool. It's so hard to believe. Life is really about capturing these moments. Moments are the glimpses of time that literally can take our breath away!

Awe

I sit here in awe of my happy family.

Jackson is a hoot. He is constantly putting on a show for us and showing his "cool tricks". Right now as I type he is trying to stand on his head. He is upside down and holding out his arms calling "Gavy Gavy". He also tries to sit inside his play shopping cart. It's hilarious.

I'm in awe of the innocence. The purity. The shear and utter raw love that my children have for me. They have no idea how pretty screwed up I am. Well, maybe Bella and Gavin do, but Jackson, NO way, I'm still perfect in his eyes.

I wonder if this is how my Heavenly Father looks at me? Am I perfect in his eyes? He loves me unconditional regardless of what I do or think. Sometimes I don't think very clean thoughts. My thoughts and actions can be pretty filthy at times. Down right dirty. He loves me anyways.

Father, please forgive me.

I'm praying for the "want to". The "want to" be healthy. Be healthy in my mind, body and spirit.

That would be nice.

Agape

Balance

I've been a mom for 8 years and about 6 of those years I've also worked from home. Primarily doing advertising sales. I love sales. I thrive on the victory of getting the sale and at times it becomes all consuming. Fast forward and now I am helping to publish a family magazine and having to do sales. But also, I'm a wife and mom and I struggle greatly in finding the balance to do it all. Something always suffers. I've never, ever really been good at working from home and caring for my family. My husband has just about begged me over the past few months to just be a mom and a wife and forget doing anything else. Let your work be your family. I have never seemed content though with that. I've always wanted more.

Maybe it's because I'm still looking outside of myself for that satisfaction. When in fact, the Lord, is waiting for me to grab a hold of him and say, "Lead me, guide me, I will follow". In my mind I say my relationship is good with God and I'm all his, but really, in my heart is where I don't always feel it. What is God's purpose for my life? Really, it's to please Him. Am I pleasing him but slacking at home and slacking with my work on the magazine? Am I pleasing HIM by not taking care of myself and spending countless hours on this box of a time machine? Definitely not pleasing to Him.

The verse that comes to mind is in Deuteronomy 2:3, "You have been wandering around in this hill country long enough; turn to the north."

It's like, "you've been making the same mistake over and over again, now do something". That's what I hear. I've been trying to do this work at home thing and stay at home mom thing for YEARS, YEARS, and I have never really done it successful and with balance.

That is where I'm at today. I am praying for direction and guidance. Lord, what do you want me to do? What am I called to do? I love being home with my kids and being here for my family, I do, but I need more. I need to feel appreciated in all that I do and sometimes, there is absolutely no fulfillment in being a stay at home mom. Sometimes it down right sucks. Lord, ultimately, I know my grand fulfillment must come from you. I was made for more Father, and in you I know I can achieve balance.

I believe you Father.